Tuesday, December 29, 2009

My Amazing Wife, part 1

My whole life, I have been taught that buying people things is not a good way of showing them you love them. This makes sense for many reasons, as it can cause a myriad of problems in the mind of the givee:
  1) If the gifts stop or drop in quality, that means your love does is well.
  2) If you give someone else a better gift, it means you love them more.
  3) If the gift breaks, then your love is equally as fleeting.
This was told to me time and time again throughout my youth, including the Full House episode where Uncle Jesse buys DJ a drum set to apologize—presumably because sexiest men alive lack qualities in the "caring for children" department.

Pictured: the sexiest man alive
I bring this up because for the next two blog posts, I am going to share with you one particular aspect in which my wife rocks: the presents she gets me. Now, do not get me wrong: there are many ways in which she shows her love for me, and there are many ways in which I think she is amazing. However, many of those would probably rank too high on the Lovey-Dovey Scale—a scaled algorithm discovered in 1921 by Doctors Aloysius Lovey and Leopold Dovey—and would not make for good reading. And so, without further ado, allow me to present the following gifts. (Get it? Present... gifts... ah, never mind.)

Dr. Lovey and Dr. Dovey would rank this a 9.34 on the L-D Scale.
The Fifth Element: Ultimate Edition
A few years back, my girlfriend (as she was, at the time) and I were at a friend's house. As we were looking through his DVD collection—I find that you can tell the most about a person from his/her movies—I saw The Fifth Element: Ultimate Edition. Now, those who know me know I have a deep-rooted affinity for The Fifth Element; one might even say my love for it is super green. Seeing the two-disc special edition before me mustered up all sorts of feelings inside of me, and I turned to the not-quite-yet-Mrs. and told her that if she loved me, she could get me it as a present. Granted, I could not have been more overt had I had taken a cue from Monty Python and said, "Wink wink, nudge nudge, say no more"; but sure enough, a few days later, she came to my house bearing a DVD-sized gift in her hands.

We were engaged just a few weeks later.
Volt for Steve Holt shirt
It took probably an hour from meeting the wife before she realized that I was and to this day am slightly obsessed with Arrested Development. And by "slightly obsessed", I mean that if I go 24 hours without referencing/quoting from the show, it is a bad day. (If you do not know what Arrested Development is, stop reading immediately and go to Hulu.com, as it will change your life.) Imagine my surprise, then, when I opened up a birthday present from the Mrs. and found a shirt featuring one of the show's most memorable puns: Volt for Holt.

Four more years! Four more years!
DuckTales Quilt
Anyone who denies that DuckTales is not only one of the most amazing cartoons ever made, but also saved/molded cartoons as we know them today is either uninformed, a hermit, or a communist. Aside from being one of the only outlets of fiction that takes place in a made up state (Calisota, but that is for another entry), DuckTales pretty much served as manna from heaven for me while I was growing up. Knowing my love for all things DuckTalean, my wife got a crew of quilters together and handmade me a DuckTales quilt, complete with fabric that has been out of production for the better part of two decades.

D-d-d-danger walks behind you...
Soylent Green shirt
**SPOILER ALERT** Soylent Green is people. To be a bit more specific, Green, the latest addition to the Soylent Corporation's food ration line—which includes other such favorites as Yellow and Red—is composed primarily of the euthanized elderly members of an overcrowded, underfed society. If none of this makes any sense to you, you just must not be a big enough nerd... or you have not seen the movie. My wife falls in both of these categories, but that did not stop her from finding me an amazing, spoiler-filled shirt.

Remember: Tuesday is Soylent Green day.
Coming up next time: the presents get even cooler...


Jon Woodbury said...

Three of the COOLEST gifts ever! (I don't know what you're smoking with the Duck Tales thing, comrade.)
I am the proud owner of the 5th Element and it is the only definition of "green" in my mind. How prophetic that in the future people would use green as cool.
The Soylent Green T is already on next year's list.